200+ Mitch Hedberg Jokes That Will Make You Think and Laugh Out Loud
Get ready for some mind-bending humor with Mitch Hedberg jokes! These one-liners are pure comedy gold. They’ll make you pause, think, and then burst out laughing!
Mitch Hedberg was a legend, and so are his jokes. They’re the absurd observations to our everyday reality! Let’s dive into some philosophical comedy and twisted logic.
Did you know Mitch Hedberg’s style was completely unique? He turned simple observations into comedic masterpieces! Everyone loves his deadpan delivery and surreal humor!
So, gather your friends and get ready for some comedy genius! Get ready for some Hedberg magic! Let the absurdly brilliant jokes roll!
Mitch Hedberg Jokes One Liner
Experience comedy genius with these classic Mitch Hedberg one-liners that showcase his unique perspective on everyday absurdities.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. Who is the real hero here?
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I got away with that.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
Best Mitch Hedberg Jokes Q&A
Dive deeper into Hedberg’s comedy with these Q&A style jokes that showcase his brilliant observational humor.
Q: How do you know if someone’s a hippie? A: They’ll tell you… or their hair will.
Q: What’s the worst thing about being a giraffe? A: Everything takes a long time to swallow.
Q: Why don’t they make mouse-flavored cat food? A: Because cats would be too obvious about their preferences.
Q: What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? A: You can’t tuna fish, but a piano can be tuned.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: You put a little boogie in it… wait, that’s not mine.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: Because he was outstanding in his field… also not mine.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta… I’m stealing these now.
Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms? A: Because they make up everything… like my career.
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall? A: I’ll meet you at the corner… in my apartment.
Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet… but I’d rather stay home.
Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other? A: They don’t have the guts… or the motivation.
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot… speaking very quietly.
Q: Why did the coffee file a police report? A: It got mugged… every morning at my place.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks… in slow motion.
Q: Why don’t oysters donate? A: Because they’re shellfish… and expensive.
Q: What do you call a belt made of watches? A: A waist of time… which I have plenty of.
Q: Why did the bicycle fall over? A: It was two-tired… of being ridden.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus… literally.
Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes? A: They’d crack each other up… and make a mess.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer… in a china shop nightmare.
Q: Why did the math book look so sad? A: Because it had too many problems… like my life.
Funny Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Laugh until your sides hurt with these hilariously absurd observations that only Mitch could deliver with perfect timing.
I’m gonna fix that in post-production… is something you never hear in real life.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start a band called ‘Free Beer.’ Then people would always want to see us.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in handy very often.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this. I pinch it together, then I let it go, and I pinch it together.
My roommate says, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’ But he’s been in the bathroom a long time. Man, you better not be shaving your legs.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I got a king-size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
My friend said, ‘You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you gotta give me time to guess.’
I think animal crackers make people think all animals taste the same.
If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for… I don’t know, man.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Best Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Discover the absolute best of Mitch Hedberg’s comedy with these carefully selected gems that define his legendary status.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. Who is the real hero here?
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I got away with that.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut.
I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really impressed with himself.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Top Mitch Hedberg Jokes
These top-tier Mitch Hedberg jokes represent the pinnacle of his comedic genius and observational brilliance.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.
I went to buy camouflage pants but couldn’t find any.
I got a king-size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
My friend said he knew a girl with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him, ‘What was the name of her other leg?’
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Sometimes I wake up and think I should start a band called ‘Free Beer.’
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in handy very often.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this. I pinch it together, then I let it go.
My roommate says he’s gonna go shave, too. But he’s been in the bathroom a long time.
I think animal crackers make people think all animals taste the same.
If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out, man.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I want a regular banana later.
I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really impressed with himself.
I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are.
Short Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Quick hits of Hedberg’s genius – these short jokes pack maximum punch in minimum words.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
Rice is great when you want 2,000 of something.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me depends on whether I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but what holds my belt up?
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member.
I got my hair highlighted because some strands seemed more important.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’ll just ask where they’re going.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Cutest infestation ever.
I haven’t slept for ten days. That would be too long.
I bought a doughnut and got a receipt. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak guy all day.
Classic Mitch Hedberg Jokes
These timeless classics showcase why Mitch Hedberg remains a comedy legend years after his passing.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. Who is the real hero here?
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. How did I get away with that?
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Witty Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Experience the sharp wit and clever wordplay that made Mitch Hedberg a master of observational comedy.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I got a king-size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
My friend said he knew a girl with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked, ‘What was the name of her other leg?’
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start a band called ‘Free Beer.’
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in handy very often.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this. I pinch it together, then I let it go.
My roommate says, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’ But he’s been in the bathroom a long time.
I think animal crackers make people think all animals taste the same.
If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out, man.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I want a regular banana later.
I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really impressed with himself.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.
I bought a house. It’s a two-bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are.
I’m gonna fix that in post-production… is something you never hear in real life.
Mitch Hedberg Jokes for Comedy Fans
These jokes are perfect for true comedy enthusiasts who appreciate Hedberg’s unique style and delivery.
I like escalators because escalators don’t break, they just become stairs.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up.
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’ll just ask them where they’re going.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut.
I went to buy some camouflage pants but I couldn’t find any.
Mitch Hedberg Jokes for Deep Thinkers
These philosophical gems will make you ponder life while laughing at its absurdities.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out to the corporate pickle industry.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them with fake water.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read and has the intellectual capacity.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it without holding a sign.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something tiny.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by my bread-carrying status.
My belt holds my pants up, but what’s the philosophical implications of belt loops?
I ordered a club sandwich, but club membership was apparently not required.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, which raises questions about photographic evidence.
I got my hair highlighted because some strands deserved more attention than others.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer, if you think about it morbidly.
I’m sick of following my dreams. Maybe I should lead them instead.
I like vending machines because gravity makes snacks taste better.
If carrots got you drunk, the entire rabbit population would have substance abuse issues.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position, which explains their fitness levels.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if technological assistance is allowed.
An escalator can never break, it just changes its career path.
I bought a doughnut and got a receipt, which documents my sugar transaction.
My apartment has a koala bear infestation, which is problematically adorable.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because continuous sleep seems excessive.
Wearing a turtleneck is like voluntary strangulation by textile.
Quick Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Fast-paced humor for those who want instant laughs with Hedberg’s signature style.
Dogs are forever in push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, if I have a whistle.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
Rice is great when you want 2,000 of something.
A severed foot: ultimate stocking stuffer.
I think Bigfoot is blurry.
I’m against picketing, but don’t know how to show it.
I like vending machines – snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
My fake plants died from lack of pretend water.
Escalators don’t break, they become stairs.
Duck opinions depend on bread availability.
My belt holds pants up, but what holds belt up?
Club sandwich ordered without membership.
Some hair strands are more important than others.
Following dreams is exhausting, I’ll ask where they’re going.
Koala bear infestation: cutest problem ever.
Ten days of sleep would be excessive.
Doughnut receipts are unnecessary documentation.
Turtlenecks: weak guy strangulation all day.
Mitch Hedberg Jokes to Share
Perfect jokes for sharing with friends who appreciate brilliant observational comedy.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me depends on whether I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up.
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member of the club.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read it.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem with the photos.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer for the holidays.
I’m sick of following my dreams, I’ll just ask where they’re going.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall down.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be completely messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position, ready for exercise.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs temporarily.
I bought a doughnut and got a receipt, which seemed excessive.
My apartment is infested with koala bears, the cutest infestation possible.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Clean Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Family-friendly Hedberg humor that maintains his wit while keeping things appropriate for all audiences.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me depends on whether I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up.
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem with the photos.
I got my hair highlighted because some strands seemed more important.
I’m sick of following my dreams, I’ll just ask where they’re going.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
I bought a doughnut and got a receipt for documentation.
My apartment is infested with koala bears, the cutest problem ever.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be excessive.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being hugged by a really weak person.
I went to buy camouflage pants but couldn’t find any.
I got a king-size bed for potential royal visitors.
I think pickles are cucumbers that changed careers.
Sometimes I think I should start a band called ‘Free Beer.’
I bought a seven-dollar pen because cheap pens weren’t worth caring about.
Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Jokes
The most side-splitting examples of Hedberg’s comedy that showcase his absurdist genius.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it without a sign.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by bread possession.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. Who’s the hero?
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I got away with that.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read and has the determination.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault at all.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer during the holiday season.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall from height.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up constantly.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now and staying that way.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position, ready for immediate exercise.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle as backup.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs temporarily.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt. I don’t need proof of doughnut purchase.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever reported.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be way too long.
List of Mitch Hedberg Jokes
A comprehensive collection of the comedian’s most memorable and quotable one-liners.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. Who is the real hero here?
I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I got away with that.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever.
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I got a king-size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg Jokes FAQ: Understanding Comedy Genius
Everything you need to know about Mitch Hedberg’s unique brand of humor and why it continues to resonate with comedy fans.
What made Mitch Hedberg jokes so unique?
Mitch Hedberg jokes were characterized by their surreal observations, deadpan delivery, and philosophical absurdity. His one-liners often took everyday situations and twisted them into unexpected comedic insights.
Why are Mitch Hedberg jokes still popular today?
Hedberg’s humor remains timeless because it focuses on universal human experiences and observations. His jokes transcend specific time periods and continue to find new audiences through social media and comedy appreciation.
What was Mitch Hedberg’s comedy style?
Hedberg’s style was minimalist and observational, often delivered with a distinctive monotone voice. He specialized in one-liners and short jokes that packed maximum impact with minimal setup.
Can I use Mitch Hedberg jokes in my own comedy?
While you can appreciate and share Hedberg’s jokes, using them as your own material would be inappropriate. His jokes are best enjoyed as tributes to his unique comedic genius.
Where can I find more Mitch Hedberg jokes?
You can find Mitch Hedberg jokes in his recorded albums, comedy specials, and various online collections that celebrate his work and preserve his comedic legacy.
What topics did Mitch Hedberg joke about?
Hedberg joked about everyday observations, food, technology, relationships, and the absurdities of modern life. His humor found comedy in the mundane and ordinary.
How did Mitch Hedberg deliver his jokes?
Hedberg was known for his laid-back, almost mumbly delivery style. He often wore sunglasses and had a distinctive cadence that became part of his comedic persona.
Why do people consider Mitch Hedberg a comedy legend?
Hedberg is considered a legend because of his unique voice in comedy, his influence on other comedians, and his ability to create memorable one-liners that continue to be quoted years after his passing.
What’s the best way to appreciate Mitch Hedberg jokes?
The best way to appreciate Hedberg’s humor is to understand his observational style and dry delivery. His jokes often require a moment of thought before the humor becomes apparent.
How can I share Mitch Hedberg jokes with friends?
You can share Hedberg jokes in casual conversation, social media posts, or comedy discussions. Just remember to give credit to the comedic genius who created them.
The Bottom Line
Mitch Hedberg jokes bring laughter and philosophical wonder to comedy.
These jokes create memorable moments that make people think while they laugh. Sharing Hedberg’s humor keeps his comedic legacy alive. A good Hedberg joke is always a mind-bender.
Keep the comedy spirit alive with brilliant observational humor. Thoughtful jokes can change how we see everyday situations. They add a surreal twist to ordinary experiences.
We invite you to revisit our website for more comedy content. New jokes and comedy insights are added regularly. Bookmark our site and share with fellow comedy enthusiasts!
Thank you for celebrating comedy genius with us! Your appreciation for great humor means everything. Let’s keep the laughter and thinking rolling together!
